Growing up

This post describes what life was like for me growing up.

My father was an educated and hard working man who ran his own electrical business until he died in 2012.  He came.fr a loving Italian family in Italy.

My mother was troubled woman who had an alcoholic mother and from what I was told beat her father many times.  Our mother would continue to beat me horribly most of my life.  I didn't socialize or make friends for most of my life bc my mother made me feel like "noone will like me unless I am perfect".  As a disabled person I am far from that.   

Things my mother said to me when I was growing up were....

Example 1...

Me at 8yr old: "mom I want to be a doctor!"

My mother: "you can't be a doctor!"

Example 2....

Me at age 14 approx.: "mom this black man asked me out!"

My mother: "what are your kids gonna be? They wont be black.  They wont be white".

Example 3.....

Me at age 14 approx.:  "mom this East Indian man asked me out"

My mother: "that will be great until you have kids with him, have an arguement and he runs away back home with them and you never see them again".

Example 4....

I had a boyfriend at age 18 and he was 27ish and worked at a local grocery store.  He was good to me but my mother was not happy for me.  She kept saying "I would be supporting him all my life".  I eventually dumped him bc of this.

The indirect message my mother made me have is that "no one would like me unless I am perfect".   This means I had to have a university education and lots of money". This belief is where 99% of my depression came from.  I realize now that this is was never true